It's no secret that we aren't big fans of Notre Dame around here. That's what happens when you end up being humbled for a few decades by one particular, in-state rival, while that rival is becoming more and more overrated and signs exclusive network TV deals even though they play the armed services as part of their challenging schedule every year. Ah, but I digress.
We asked Brady Quinn if he wanted to bury the hatchet and do a diary for us on the day of the NFL draft. Many pundits had Quinn going #3 to the Browns so we thought this could be fun as Brady realizes his true calling as a top-tier draft pick.
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11:45 AM: Hey, everybody! Brady Quinn here! I am psyched for the draft and ready to sign my big contract. Aren't I pretty? The lady of the evening that Drew Rosenhaus sent me last night sure liked me. I think I have a chance to go number 1 today. I mean, I know I've been projected at number 3 but, really, the Raiders need a QB and I was coached by Charlie Weis, so we all know I'm practically an NFL quarterback already, right? And besides, this JaMarcus Russell -- who the hell heard of him before my team put him on the map in January in the bowl game? We made Russell who he is, so really, he should be thanking us. And who doesn't what a white, pretty-boy, sparkling smile QB as their team leader?
11:58 AM: I have to be honest, I hope Cleveland doesn't take me. But I will be a good soldier if they do. I mean, it's Cleveland, right? They wear those hideous orange uniforms sometimes. I don't know if I can do that. I might just have to petition the team to change to navy blue with gold helmets. I look stout in those. Hey, that would be creative. I could hold out until they change their color scheme. And retire my number immediately. Bitches.
12:15PM: Okay, so Oakland just took JaMarcus Russell. Bogus. He's so overrated. Hey, he was only a junior! I was a senior! Seniors rule! And you know, I keep hearing about Russell being able to throw the ball like 75 yards from his knees. Whatever. I know a lot about holding balls while on my knees, and I don't think that's really possible. I mean, who can't throw a ball 75 yards? I throw for more than 300 yards all the time at Notre Dame. Oh, wait, Calvin Johnson just told me Russell can do that on one throw. Whatever. Not possible. And besides, if you're on your knees, you're considered down aren't you? Yeah, that's what I thought. That's a Notre Dame graduate brain for you, boys. Better represent.
12:28 PM: Alright, Detroit always sucks, too, and they need a QB. I mean, when don't they need a QB? And they play in a dome. I can get down with that. And the #2 pick makes serious dough, too. Here we go...
12:32 PM: F-ck! They took Calvin Johnson. Yeah, nice move, Millen. Who's going to throw to him, you putz? Shit, this probably means I'm going to Cleveland. Oh, well, it'll be fine. I like Cleveland. I like snow. I like Ohio. These aren't tears in my eyes, really... it's just kind of dry in this room. And I yawned.
12:45 PM: Wow, that was embarrassing. I stood up and was halfway to the podium before I realized Cleveland didn't pick me. That has to be a mistake. Maybe this dipshit Goodell can't read my name. It's not that hard, man! "Joe Thomas" doesn't sound anything like "Brady Quinn." Brady Quinn. God, that's sexy. I love hearing my name. Especially when someone shouts it in an orgasmic fit of ecstacy.
12:55 PM: Okay, I'm okay with this. We can roll with Tampa. It's warm there, it's not Cleveland, their existing QB had his spleen busted last year. I could rule that town.
1:15 PM: This isn't even funny. Tampa picked some guy I've never heard of. He played for Clementine or something. This is wack.
2:25 PM: I was giving my diary the silent treatment for a while there. I am so mad. Some more shitty teams passed me up. Arizona, Washington and Minnesota... none of you could use a beautiful man such as myself? Get real.
2:40 PM: Atlanta just picked Jamaal Anderson. Come on, now I know you're all f-cking with me. He played for them, like, when I was in high school.
2:55 PM: Okay, now Miami us up. This is it. And it's awesome. All those experts said for a long time that Miami was hot for me. And that's cool. Miami would be perfect for my tanning goals and in the off-season, I think Alex Rodriguez lives there. I can't tell you how many times I've been watching a Yankee game and fallen into a daydream about horsing around with Alex on a beach, talking sports, visiting the sauna.... cracking each other on the ass with wet towels.
3:05 PM: Just had to text Alex back and tell him Miami didn't take me after all. This is not cool. Seriously. Have none of these teams seen me flex? I'm a damn Adonis!
4:35 PM: Houston, San Fran, Buffalo, St. Louis, Jets, Pittsburgh... you can all suck it. I can't believe you'd pass me up. I'm NFL-ready, I tell you! Even Charlie Weis says so!
5:15 PM: I can't believe this. Guys are getting to walk up there and smile who nobody has heard of. I mean, who are these guys? I know they don't play for Notre Dame and I don't recognize anybody from our games against Army, Navy and Vanderbilt. This is so confusing. Am I even at the right draft? Maybe today's day 2 and I was picked yesterday. Yeah, that's probably it.
5:30 PM: Okay, the Giants are next. That would be great. Screw this Eli Manning kid -- he clearly isn't NFL-ready. I could take New York by storm. I hear there are lots of fun bars in "the village" in New York. Sounds like my kind of place.
5:32 PM: Bastards. I hate New York. Plus someone just told me the Giants don't even play in New York. That's completely misrepresenting. I don't like it.
5:45 PM: Wait, what just happened? I got picked! Hell yeah! Wait, let me look at this booklet I have... who had the number 22 pick? Dallas! DALLAS! YEEEAHHH, bitches! I guess Tony Romo really did end his time there with that botch in the playoffs! Awesome. I belong in a place like Dallas, playing for a franchise about as arrogant and entitled as my college program. Excellent.
5:46 PM: I don't think this Goodell guy was ready to be the commissioner at all. He just gave me a Cleveland Browns hat instead of a Cowboys hat. Ha ha, real funny commish. I get it, yeah, close call with the Browns. Good thing I'll be a Cowboy! Wahoo!
5:50 PM: Everyone around me is keeping up this joke that I am actually a member of the Browns. Yeah, okay, guys, I get it... it's funny but it's not that funny. When do I get interviewed about the future of the Cowboys and playing for Jerry Jones?
6:05 PM: Apparently, there was some kind of administrative mixup and my rights have been signed over to the Browns. I'm sure the Cowboys will fight this since I am not the kind of prized possesion you just let go of without a fight. I'll be polite to these Cleveland people calling me on the horn but only to a point -- I might have to steamroll them when I'm quarterbacking the Cowboys next season.
This is Brady Quinn, out.
