College football is a mere three-ish weeks away. Are you excited yet? If you’re an idiot like several of us here at BS, yes, you are – even though you have limited optimism in your bones about Purdue football. But that’s okay, because college football is a fun time no matter whether your team is good. Sure, it’s much, much better if they are indeed good, but it’s like pizza, sex, doughnuts, or a conversation with Aneesh – no matter how bad it is, it’s still pretty good. CFB has in recent years figured out how to maximize their Saturday experience. You can watch the slate of noon games to whet your palate, which is usually where Purdue is and where other games featuring teams you can make fun of reside (har, har, IU just lost to Bowling Green!). Oftentimes there’s an inexplicably good game on in that window, too.

“How the hell are Bama and A&M playing now?” I remember asking myself once recently. No matter, I’m in.

In the 3:30 window, the quality ratchets up significantly, and then you’ve got a few rando starts in the 5-7 PM range on an average Saturday. And then we get into the evening. The wife and kids settle down, the bourbon flows more easily (and more guilt-free – hey, who doesn’t feel more appropriate drinking brown liquor after dark?) and the fun gets going. Usually you’ve got an embarrassment of riches on Saturday nights. ESPN and ABC will both have a good game on, sometimes both excellent. If your cable provider carries the SEC Network, you can probably watch the ol’ ballcoach toss his visor. NBC might be showing a late ND game if they weren’t on in the afternoon, and nowadays Fox is in on the act with a solid showing (often Pac 12 or Big 12). And then you’ve got the late starts on FS1 or CBS Sports, usually showing Oregon rolling up 48 first half points on someone before you pass out from sheer exhaustion or bourbon consumption. Is it wrong to consider taking a five hour energy to enjoy this all?

You know what else you need to strap in for? Maybe things you’ve forgotten about. But let me remind you. One thing is the Mouth-breather Arguments. Or “MAs.” A popular MA is the one where you’re not allowed to have an opinion on a program if your team isn’t good. This is an MA often espoused by Cletus-like, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathers who cheer for SEC teams despite even attending such luminous academic institutions as the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA. It usually goes like this…

“Man, Clemson just loves to get their fans hopes up every year, don’t they? And then splat.”

“Dude, whatever….PURDON’T. Call me when they win something.”

Obviously, I don’t need to explain to you how abjectly stupid this is – and do you know how I am so confident that you already get it? Because you’re literate enough to read this sentence, which means you’ve got more brainpower than a person who thinks nobody whose alma mater is bad at football has the right to have an opinion about….football.

By this logic, only Ohio State fans can question anyone or say anything about any team until next January. While they’d surely love this, it’s simply not reasonable. And not just because Ohio State fans also suck – it’s that we want dumb SEC fans to run off at the mouth. It entertains us between game days.

You also need to get yourself ready for overhyped college “traditions” being made into more than they really are. OOOH, the hedges at Georgia. The world’s largest outdoor cocktail party. The want-to-punch-their-faces-in-frat-boy-bow-tie-wearers at Ole Miss. Those dumb trees that some dumb Alabama fan poisoned on Auburn’s campus. You know what they used to do at Texas A&M? They had this massive bonfire they would make that was like the height of a building. They’d have to use ladders and scaffold and whatnot to build it. They’d do it all through the night and I guess dance around it like wild injuns. And do you know what happened? Predictably, this giant jenga game collapsed and killed a dozen people. And now of course there are alums mad that they don’t do it anymore. Yes, risking death should definitely be part of the pregame experience.

Or remember the time when Jesse Palmer “offended” Texas fans and alums and people who wish they were alums? Remember this nonsense? Maybe you don’t. They were talking about all the goofy hand signals that fans of Texas schools use and Palmer turned the Hook ‘Em Horns upside down.

Look at the way Davis nearly tackles him to get him to stop. And then they come back later so Palmer can apologize. Are you f—king serious with this? Get over yourselves, Texas fans. I generally have no issue with your school or your loyalty, but get over yourselves. This isn’t a church or a pope or the President – you’re not obligated to be respectful. It’s a football team. A decidedly mediocre football team. (Oooooooooohhh)

It’ll all be back soon. The taking themselves overly seriously. The awful pregame shows. (Seriously, has any show fallen as far as College GameDay? That was a must-watch ten or fifteen years ago – now it’s a joke, filled with ad placements, sponsored nonsense, and celebrity game pickers like the MF-ing Oregon Duck. Seriously, they had the Duck picking games last year….and the way they were laughing you’d think it was the funniest thing any of them had ever seen. It wasn’t. It was pathetic. But I digress.)

But along with the annoying self-importance, SEC coaches chirping about how going 6-6 in their conference would be like winning the national title anywhere else, Purdue driving us to drink again, Tim Beckman keeping it fun, Darrell Hazell tucking his windbreaker into his pants, there will be a lot to enjoy on CFB Saturdays again. I know I can’t wait.

If you’re in the area stop by. I won’t tell anyone how early you start drinking bourbon.